Jealousy and her good-for-nothing-friends

Pull up your boot straps, ladies. It's time for me to share a little bit about what God is doing in my life, but in order to do that I have to take you through some of the mud I've been tracking all over the place.

I have had a serious struggle with Jealousy. Honestly, this isn't a new struggle for me. It has been something I've struggled with ever since I can remember. It is an ugly burden that I try to beat down and keep it quiet. However, the trouble with Jealousy is that even though I think she is under control, she can easily (and unexpectedly) pop sher ugly head up and pull me into the mud again.

It is ugly because it can steal my joy, make me question my Maker's heart for me, and, often, makes the people I love most enemies in my mind. I hate typing that. I recognize it is ugly. I hate that my heart feels that way sometimes. Enemies sounds strong, but maybe this will help clarify my irrational thought process:

God does something bomb.com in person A's life. Person A tells me, I creep on Person A on facebook, I see Person A on tv, in a magazine etc. I am pumped for person A or recognize what is going on is Person A's life is awesome, but, then, being selfish and egocentric, I think "Huh, God hasn't done anything like that for me." And my heart says very quietly (because it knows it is a crazy thought, but it feels it anyway... I wonder what I am doing wrong? God must be holding out on me." This heart whisper leads to one of two thoughts "I must do better" or "It is no use."

These twisted, unchecked thoughts and dark heart whispers are basically facebook invites for Jealousy's bff's to come play. So then, before I realize it Bitterness, Territorialness, Threatened Identity, Victim and her cousin, Pity Party, as well as, Critical Heart come and track mud all over the place!

Sometimes Jealousy and her friends have sleep overs without asking. I think she sneaks them in through the basement. Either way, I think I am alone, and all of a sudden I hear them or see them as something ugly comes out of my mouth. "What a tick, I didn't know you were still here! Does your mother know where you are? I certainly don't want you at my house, anymore. I think you should go home."

Recently (as in for months and months) God has been really helping me to get a better security system against Jealousy and her hooligan friends. When I first decided to really try to fight this (because sometimes it is easier to not really fight, but to just pray and hope it goes away. ignoring it or denying it can also go in this passive category), God began by showing me not only the depth of the problem, but also the breadth. It seemed Jealousy had made herself quite at home. (That's how I knew it was a girl, she likes to nest.)

It was so humbling to see the extent of my sin and the way that it had infiltrated so many areas of my heart and my life. It was often discouraging to see how ugly my heart was, especially because I didn't want to have thoughts thoughts or heart whispers. It was frustrating.

BUT, God is awesome. And, has been helping me fight this battle. He really is the best coach. He is constantly showing me areas that feed Jealousy (she is like a stray cat). He also has helped me recognize when she is on my lawn and ways to fight so she doesn't come in (invited or not).

While, I don't feel like Jealousy will ever really go away (it's the cat in her), I do feel like God has been helping me with my thoughts and heart whispers. Recently, a very bright bulb went off and, for me, it has been like a grenade launcher when it comes to battling Jealousy.

Here's the defense plan:

-Something happens that appeals to Jealousy and she remembers the good ole days of us hanging out. (at least one of us enjoyed our time together)

-Alarm sounds as there has been a security breach. Jealousy is texting her friends and they are planning on coming over to my house to hang out and track mud all over

- I remember and recite to myself:

"For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil at work in the heavenly realms" (Ephesians 6:12).

-Then, I tell myself: God has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans that give me a hope and a future (Jer. 29:11). What God does in someone else's life does not threaten what He is doing and planning in mine. My God is good and His heart for me is good. I trust Him. This is not a competition. My worth and identity is not threatened or jeopardized by circumstances, people, or failure because it is hidden in Christ.

Jealousy, go home. I would much rather hang out with Peace, Joy and Truth than you any day.

All I want to do...

I just want to watch this....

(Thank you, Holly!)

So I can finally see this happen....

I would like for coffee to be present...

But, mostly, I just want to hang out with these two amazing girls.

(I also just want to hear AnnE say that she is in the depths of despair again...)

I am a quote person.

Although, most of the time I can't spell "quote" correctly. I am a notoriously bad speller.

Anyway.

I just finished rereading the first book of Francine River's Mark of the Lion series. Don't be super impressed, I did do a lot of skimming. I started to read it again so that I could let the faith of the main character wash over me again. I know she is fictional, but I envy her gentle but fierce devotion to the Lord.

I've included some quotes that I found myself lingering over...(yes, mostly from the last few chapters from the book. I don't know why I didn't think of marking down encouraging or convicting phrases earlier.) These are pretty thought provoking, though. (At least for me.)

"The god she worshipped consumed her. It didn't ask for a brief visit to a temple, or a small votive offering of food or coin, or a few prayers every now and then. This god wanted all of her." (p. 377)

Conviction: He wants all of me. That thought alone is crazy. Who am I that the God of the universe would desire me? All of me? All of my love, my attention, my heart? So often I forget His love and grace and focus on my faults and ugly heart.

But how much am I willing to give up to Him? My heart desires to say "all," but my actions usually just reflect "brief visits to the temple." How easy it is for me to spend time with Him and the morning and leave Him in my car as I go to school. Lord, have all of me and not, merely, the pieces that are easy or comfortable for me to give up.

"Neocoros?" Atretes said, the word unfamiliar.

"'Temple sweeper.'" Sertes said. "The term once referred to the most menial of laborers, who was devoted to the care of the sacred temple. A term of humility that has become a title of honor." Sertes took a coin from a pouch at his waist and turned it over for Atretes to see. "Neocoros," he said, thumbing the writing on it. "Our city is thus exalted."

Conviction: "A term of humility that has become a title of honor." I know that "he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor" (Proverbs 29:23) But forgive me, Lord, for starting out seeking to humbly serve you, then priding myself, giving myself honor or a good 'ole pat on the back for my own humility. Humble my heart, Lord, truly. Open my eyes to my pride and false humility. I know it is everywhere.

"Yes," Julia agreed. "I've changed. I've grown up and developed a mind of my ow. My eyes are open, Marcus, wide open. Isn't that how you always encouraged me to be? Wasn't it you who introduced me to all the finer things the world has to offer? Wasn't it you who told me to watch out for people who would betray me? Well, dear brother, I've learned my lessons well." (p. 439)

Reaction: Genesis 3. And, Proverbs 3:5. Lord, help me to "be wise about what is good and innocent about what is evil." (Romans 16:19).

"Unless we have something worth dying for, Atretes, we've nothing worth living for." (p. 485)

Reaction: Amen. (Matthew 16:246).

I won't lie, I also thought about all the things I daily kill myself to attain or to hold onto... I have a lot of idols in my life that continually "steal, kill, and destroy." I forget (continually) that Jesus has "come so that we might have, life and have it to the full" (John 10:10). I don't know why I so easily forget that and pursue so many things which feed into my idol of security and my idol of importance and my idol of my image. I pray that God would continue to be working these things out. Lord, how much differently I would live life if I truly found my identity in You! Help me, Father, resist finding my worth or identity in anything I do or any way I define myself. But to ultimately find rest and peace in You. May I be secure in who I am in You.

I love how a simple sentence or phrase can convict me and point me back to Christ. These might not have done much for you, but I wanted to make sure I documented these thoughts/convictions so I didn't forget about them until the next time I went back to skim The Mark of the Lion series...

Does bad breath equal dirty teeth?

Caught your attention, huh?

Here is the situation: I am super tired and trying to get ready for bed quickly. I decide I'm too tired to floss (I usually am a big flosser...not tonight, getting to bed one minute faster seemed like the best choice.) so I settle for brushing my teeth. While I was anxious to get to bed, I did try to brush well, if not a little better than usual, to make up for the lack of flossing, of course. Anyway, I brushed my teeth and they felt clean, but I felt like my breath was not up to par (aka minty fresh).

{sorry if this is a lot of information about my personal hygiene, I promise I have a point}

So , I decide to multi-task... swish around some mouth wash while I wash my face. Then, I think about it more... "does bad breath really equal dirty teeth? Or can your teeth be clean even if you can't taste the minty-freshness? Further, what is really my goal here? To prevent cavities or to have good breath?"

Now, I understand this sounds very odd and not something you share with others but...

Don't we do this with a lot of things???

I do.

I focus on the outside, on the external, on the surface, on what people see ("do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit..." Phil 2:3)... and NOT what God commands me and the apostles urge and plead us to focus on the internal, the heart. ("...he LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7b)

I drink coffee a lot. I try to have gum on me always so I can combat the coffee breath once my tumbler runs dry.

My breath may be polar-ice-fresh, but that does NOT mean my teeth are clean.

{disclaimer: this may not be the most ideal example..i am not advocating for the preservation or perpetuation of bad breath..just take this illustration loosely. it is merely the situation that sparked these thoughts conviction.}

All that to say, that I focus too much on how things appear to others, how they make me look, what others think of me. It doesn't matter if my breath is minty fresh---my teeth are still dirty.

I know it.

The Lord knows it.

And trying to cover it is pride.

Lord, please, ²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24)

Obsessed.

I tend to have an addictive personality.

When i find a song I like, I usually listen to it in my car on repeat.

For weeks.

Here is what I have been enjoying (obsessed/needing to hear) in my car lately...


disclaimer: i haven't actually watched the full video. i downloaded the mp3 and have been listening to the song in my itunes. you can find the mp3 download below the video on youtube.



Here are the lyrics for those of you who are like me and get more from seeing the words..

(I maybe put in bold the part that I most love to get stuck in my head all day...)

Jesus, Jesus, You are my tower Lord
Jesus, Jesus, the rock I stand on
Jesus, Jesus, there is no other name
Like Your name
So I will wait on You

The Lord is good to those who wait for Him
Oh I will be still
And I will know that You are God
Your loving kindnesses
Indeed they never cease
Your compassion never fails
Jesus, Jesus, You are my tower Lord
Jesus, Jesus, the rock I stand on
Jesus, Jesus, there is no other name
Like Your name
(Oh, Lord)
So I will wait on You

The Lord is good to those
To those who wait for Him
Oh I will be still
And I will know that You are God
Your loving kindnesses
Indeed they never cease
Your compassion never fails

But I am weak Lord
You are strong Lord
I know I must look to Your way
But I am weak Lord
You are so strong Lord
I know I must look to Your way

The Lord is good to those
To those who wait for Him
Oh I will be still
And I will know that You are God
Your loving kindnesses
Indeed they never cease
Your compassion never fails

The Lord is good to those
To those who wait for Him
Oh I will be still
And I will know that You are God
Your loving kindnesses
Indeed they never cease
Your compassion never fails

Sassy Sandals!

hey friends!

i forgot! my friend, vera, also wanted me to get the word out about some sweet footwear. her friend dani went to africa for a semester (or a summer...the details are a little fuzzy. all i know is dani is awesome) and brought these sweet sandals back for her. (she brought v teal ones that are not pictured).






here's the site: http://www.ssekodesigns.com/


they are cute and sassy and go for a good cause! (which is probably why vera loves them so dang much. and well they are real cute). they are made by women who are trying to earn tuition money to continue their education in uganda. the price may seem steep at first (not as pricey as toms) but the money is going to support women as they strive to continue their education in hopes of stabilizing and helping their community.

i highly suggest visiting the site! you can even see the women who make the shoes and hear their story!

not only are the sandals fun and support a great cause, the straps are interchangeable and you can even thread them through the sole in a variety of styles. (i tried to choose pictures that best demonstrated the creativity/variety of the ways you can wear them).

i have my eye on the yellow ones. or maybe green. or brown or black....good things extra straps are only $9!

Miscellany Monday!

">

1. Silas is the sweetest little boy in the whole world.

2. I want to start an herb garden. I need some fresh cilantro...

3. because I got a sweet recipe from my back-home bestie, vera. i love her.

4. i am baaadd at blogging. i am contemplating throwing in the towel..

5. i am itching to paint. little c found a picture he wants me to put on canvass.

6. do you ever feel excited that God is teaching you a lot...but also terrified about what lies ahead that He is preparing you in that way...??

7. i am excited for bible study tonight!!!