The Horse and His Boy

"Shasta didn't!" snorted Bree. "At least he ran in the right direction: ran back. and that is what shames me most of all. I, who called myself a war horse and boasted of a hundred fights, to be beaten by a little human boy-a child, a mere foal, who had never held a sword nor had any good nurture or example in his life!"
"I know," said Arvais. "i felt just the same. Shasta was marvelous. I am just as bad as you, Bree. I've been snubbing him and looking down on him ever since you met us and now he turns out to be the best of us all. But I think it would be better to stay and say we're sorry than to go back to Calormen."
"It's all very well for you," said Bree. "you haven't disgraced yourself. But I've lost everything."
"My good horse," said the Hermit, who had approached them unnoticed because his bare feet made so little noise on the sweet, dewy grass. "My good horse, you've lost nothing but your self conceit. No, no, cousin. Don't put back your ears and shake your mane at me. If you are really so humbled as you sounded a minute ago, you must learn to listen to sense. You're not quite the great Horse you had come to think, from living among poor dumb horses. Of course you were braver and cleverer than them. You could hardly help that. It doesn't follow that you'll be anyone very special in Narnia. But as long as you know you're nobody very special, you'll be the a very decent sort of Horse, on the whole, and taking one thing with the other. And now, if you and my other four-footed cousin will come round to the kitchen door we'll see about the other half of that mash."

{from the end of chapter ten of "The Horse and His Boy" by C.S. Lewis}

I've been reading devouring The Chronicles of Narnia lately and, let me tell you, they are rocking my world. Not only are they wonderfully entertaining, but they call you out and inspire you as you read. I'll admit I sometimes get too into the plot to really reflect on the Truth that is hinted at in these tales.

However, this passage {above} stopped me in my tracks. It was like Clive Staples the Lord had been reading my diary (or He just knows my heart) and knew it was time to gently, but firmly call me out.

I'm like Bree the horse. Even though it was apparent to everyone that Bree was a Narnian horse (the talking is a dead give-away), he was still caught up in being one of the best Narnian horses. He was self-conscious about it, obsessed with making sure no one mistook his identity. Even though his identity was already set. He thought that something small would discredit him or steal his Naranian status from him. Therefore, he was always self-conscious, overly aware of others opinions, and continually striving.

Like I said, I am Bree.

I am realizing more and more how much I seek my own glory and not seeking to glorify the Lord. In every area of my life God is revealing this to me. Some areas are more apparent, like appearances ("i want people to think i'm cute") and school (i want people to think i'm smart"). But, man, some areas are harder to identify (and harder to admit)...

"I want to be an awesome Christian so people think I am awesome."

Wow.

I didn't even know that was in there. But I think God has been working to gently, but firmly inform me of my mixed motives. I say "mixed" because I don't think my self-glorifying mentality is always in control or my basis for doing everything, but I know it is in there. I do desire the Lord. I do want to know Him richly, deeply, intimately. But, sometimes, this ugly monster motive tangles himself in my heart and thoughts and before I know it I am focused on glorifying me again...

"It doesn't follow that you'll be anyone very special in Narnia. But as long as you know you're nobody very special, you'll be the a very decent sort of Horse, on the whole, and taking on thing with the other."

I don't want to strive to be the best, to stand out, to be praised. I don't want to want it.

I don't want people to look at me and see a "good Christian."

I want people to look at me and not even see me, but to see Christ.

I know, I have a long way to go.

"He must become greater; I must become less." (John 3:30)

Just keep swimming...

this semester has been rough.

i am getting completely dominated.

i have felt like i have been treading water for a long time.

i had a full on break down yesterday.

but... the awesome thing is that in the midst of my meltdown, God had brought to mind so many of the things that i have been learning over the past few weeks.

the high school girls and i have been going through a bible study on the book of Ruth. i am so inspired by Ruth and of course loved doing an in depth study on her story. here is my favorite take away from her story:

i am so encouraged by the fact that the whole time Ruth was married to Mahlon, for about ten years (1:4), they never had a child. ten years and they never had a child! (now, i am assuming that they were not waiting to have kids because i am fairly confident that during that time it was very important to reproduce. it kept the man's family name going and it served as a source of glory and protection for women to have children.) if they would have had a child, there would be no point for Ruth's story to go on. she would not have left with Naomi and declared that Naomi's "God would be her God" (2:16), she would have never have met the bomb.com man of God, Boaz, and she never would have found her name listed in the genealogy of Christ (Matthew 1:5)!

kelly (the lady who wrote the study) did a great job of bringing that to our attention. however, the thing that i can't stop thinking about were the ten years ruth experienced married but childless. (disclaimer: the book of ruth does not really discuss this aspect, nor does kelly so i am assuming a lot here when i try to put myself in her shoes.) i am assuming that it was not for lack of trying that they did not have children. i am assuming it was very important for them to have children. i am assuming there might have been a lot of hurt, confusion, embarrassment because so much rested on the ability to have children (see Hannah or Leah & Rachel's stories) and frustration at not having children. ten years.

despite it all, Ruth was steady. she remained faithful, not bitter.

i find further encouragement in the later part of Ruth. Ruth lays it all out on the line and basically proposes to Boaz.

(if you think that makes Boaz passive, remember his response to her 3:10. He loved God's word so much that it is possible he never made a move because he knew there was a man who was of closer kin than him. Thus, one might assume it was not for lack of thought or desire that he never approached Ruth, but more to remain faithful to the Lord's commands. also, technically the law said he only had to sleep with Ruth to give her a child. the law doesn't say they have be married, Boaz took that liberty on his own. is Boaz too crazy of a name for my potential future children??)

Boaz tells her to wait till morning and then go back to Naomi. Naomi tells Ruth "wait, my daughter, until you find out what happens. for the man will not rest until the matter is settled today. Meanwhile, Boaz went..." (3:18-4:1). While Ruth had to wait, Boaz went to town and worked on her behalf.

i love that. even though there was nothing more for Ruth to do but wait, Boaz was out, working on her behalf.

in the midst of my treading water, i take comfort in knowing that though i can't see God working, i know he is working on my behalf. even though this season of life seems long and hard, i know He is moving on my behalf. i need only to remain faithful to Him and wait, knowing that He is good and His heart is for me.

(another awesome tidbit about Ruth...Kelly mentioned that in the Hebrew Bible, Ruth came right after Proverbs. because of the content of the last chapter of proverbs (31- the wife of noble character), one could infer that Ruth's story is a living example of the proverbs 31 woman. seriously, read them back to back. you will find a lot of the proverbs 31 traits in Ruth's life and character.)

for those of you who feel like you are treading water, take heart. just keep swimming. God is moving on your behalf, even if you can't see it right now.

God is God

As I was walking from my car to campus, my mind kept turning back to all of the awesome conversations that took place last night. I think Thursdays will definitely end up being my favorite day of the week because of my connect group and Bible study.

At church we are going through Job and discussing crisis, so our connect group discussions stem from what Tim preaches on Sunday. And, in Bible study we are going through the book of Isaiah. I feel like God is already showing me connections between these two groups, regardless of the content that is specifically being studied.

Last night, at connect group, Seth made the comment that it is interesting that the thesis, or main idea, of Job is so counter to what much of the wisdom scripture is like. (Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that they are contradictory or that one invalidates the other.) Psalms and Proverbs are very pragmatic and highlight almost a cause and effect relationship.

For example, the very first verse of Psalms "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked..." (ESV). Aka, if you do not walk in the counsel of the wicked, you will be blessed man. Or in Proverbs 1:7 "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge..." So, if you fear the Lord, then you will start to understand/attain true knowledge.

However, Job is a little different. And, honestly, the more I think about it, I think God does it so we do not get too set in the cause and effect type of relationship with Him. For me, I feel like I can see God using Job to remind me that it it is not about what we do, but where are hearts are at. "The Lord says: 'These people come near me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men'" (Isaiah 29:13). Also, I think this cause and effect mindset leaves us thinking we are entitled to certain outcomes based on us, our behavior. It is as if we think we have more control than we really do.

"Praise God that he did not make the illogical more prevalent or us humans would be in a constant state of fear and defeat, never knowing what one action might bring. However, logic can be deceptive as we can sometimes come to believe that God is also under the control of cause and effect. We must remember that it was God, himself, who created logic. Therefore, we must never forget that, ultimately, logic bows down to God. We engage in mindless behavior not so that we might know Him better, but so we can secure for ourselves comfort and blessing. And, thus, we have missed the point. I cannot believe that God ever wanted less than our whole hearts. "

Last night, in connect group, we discussed how one thesis statement of Job might be "God is God and Job is not." It is the story of Job that keeps us on our toes, and reminds us that He is sovereign despite outward appearances or our ability to determine why certain events unfold the way they do. Despite our attempts to control things on earth, it is God who is ultimately in control. And, since His heart is good, what is there to fear?

This made me think of in Bible study we discussed what being steadfast was and what it looked like. I think we all feel like we have a lot of work to do in this area, but I am convinced that all the trials we go through is God's way of presenting opportunities for us to learn (and re-learn) what it looks like to be steadfast in Him. No matter what, though, I think the thing I was most encouraged by was that regardless of our steadfastness, God's steadfastness is not dependent on our steadfastness. (I think Holly said this best last night.) He is always steadfast; He knows not how to waver. Often I think in terms of God reacting to me (my thoughts, behavior etc), but really God is consistently constant. (nice, right?)

I am still working through and piecing all of these thought strands together, but I just needed to get some down before I forgot to remember them. In no way have I figured this out or feel like these thoughts are final. Additionally, it probably just makes sense to me. I have a hard time articulating exactly what I am trying to say and how I got there. It is just where I am right now in terms of processing, and I know God has more to show me in this area.

Jealousy and her good-for-nothing-friends

Pull up your boot straps, ladies. It's time for me to share a little bit about what God is doing in my life, but in order to do that I have to take you through some of the mud I've been tracking all over the place.

I have had a serious struggle with Jealousy. Honestly, this isn't a new struggle for me. It has been something I've struggled with ever since I can remember. It is an ugly burden that I try to beat down and keep it quiet. However, the trouble with Jealousy is that even though I think she is under control, she can easily (and unexpectedly) pop sher ugly head up and pull me into the mud again.

It is ugly because it can steal my joy, make me question my Maker's heart for me, and, often, makes the people I love most enemies in my mind. I hate typing that. I recognize it is ugly. I hate that my heart feels that way sometimes. Enemies sounds strong, but maybe this will help clarify my irrational thought process:

God does something bomb.com in person A's life. Person A tells me, I creep on Person A on facebook, I see Person A on tv, in a magazine etc. I am pumped for person A or recognize what is going on is Person A's life is awesome, but, then, being selfish and egocentric, I think "Huh, God hasn't done anything like that for me." And my heart says very quietly (because it knows it is a crazy thought, but it feels it anyway... I wonder what I am doing wrong? God must be holding out on me." This heart whisper leads to one of two thoughts "I must do better" or "It is no use."

These twisted, unchecked thoughts and dark heart whispers are basically facebook invites for Jealousy's bff's to come play. So then, before I realize it Bitterness, Territorialness, Threatened Identity, Victim and her cousin, Pity Party, as well as, Critical Heart come and track mud all over the place!

Sometimes Jealousy and her friends have sleep overs without asking. I think she sneaks them in through the basement. Either way, I think I am alone, and all of a sudden I hear them or see them as something ugly comes out of my mouth. "What a tick, I didn't know you were still here! Does your mother know where you are? I certainly don't want you at my house, anymore. I think you should go home."

Recently (as in for months and months) God has been really helping me to get a better security system against Jealousy and her hooligan friends. When I first decided to really try to fight this (because sometimes it is easier to not really fight, but to just pray and hope it goes away. ignoring it or denying it can also go in this passive category), God began by showing me not only the depth of the problem, but also the breadth. It seemed Jealousy had made herself quite at home. (That's how I knew it was a girl, she likes to nest.)

It was so humbling to see the extent of my sin and the way that it had infiltrated so many areas of my heart and my life. It was often discouraging to see how ugly my heart was, especially because I didn't want to have thoughts thoughts or heart whispers. It was frustrating.

BUT, God is awesome. And, has been helping me fight this battle. He really is the best coach. He is constantly showing me areas that feed Jealousy (she is like a stray cat). He also has helped me recognize when she is on my lawn and ways to fight so she doesn't come in (invited or not).

While, I don't feel like Jealousy will ever really go away (it's the cat in her), I do feel like God has been helping me with my thoughts and heart whispers. Recently, a very bright bulb went off and, for me, it has been like a grenade launcher when it comes to battling Jealousy.

Here's the defense plan:

-Something happens that appeals to Jealousy and she remembers the good ole days of us hanging out. (at least one of us enjoyed our time together)

-Alarm sounds as there has been a security breach. Jealousy is texting her friends and they are planning on coming over to my house to hang out and track mud all over

- I remember and recite to myself:

"For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil at work in the heavenly realms" (Ephesians 6:12).

-Then, I tell myself: God has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans that give me a hope and a future (Jer. 29:11). What God does in someone else's life does not threaten what He is doing and planning in mine. My God is good and His heart for me is good. I trust Him. This is not a competition. My worth and identity is not threatened or jeopardized by circumstances, people, or failure because it is hidden in Christ.

Jealousy, go home. I would much rather hang out with Peace, Joy and Truth than you any day.

I am a quote person.

Although, most of the time I can't spell "quote" correctly. I am a notoriously bad speller.

Anyway.

I just finished rereading the first book of Francine River's Mark of the Lion series. Don't be super impressed, I did do a lot of skimming. I started to read it again so that I could let the faith of the main character wash over me again. I know she is fictional, but I envy her gentle but fierce devotion to the Lord.

I've included some quotes that I found myself lingering over...(yes, mostly from the last few chapters from the book. I don't know why I didn't think of marking down encouraging or convicting phrases earlier.) These are pretty thought provoking, though. (At least for me.)

"The god she worshipped consumed her. It didn't ask for a brief visit to a temple, or a small votive offering of food or coin, or a few prayers every now and then. This god wanted all of her." (p. 377)

Conviction: He wants all of me. That thought alone is crazy. Who am I that the God of the universe would desire me? All of me? All of my love, my attention, my heart? So often I forget His love and grace and focus on my faults and ugly heart.

But how much am I willing to give up to Him? My heart desires to say "all," but my actions usually just reflect "brief visits to the temple." How easy it is for me to spend time with Him and the morning and leave Him in my car as I go to school. Lord, have all of me and not, merely, the pieces that are easy or comfortable for me to give up.

"Neocoros?" Atretes said, the word unfamiliar.

"'Temple sweeper.'" Sertes said. "The term once referred to the most menial of laborers, who was devoted to the care of the sacred temple. A term of humility that has become a title of honor." Sertes took a coin from a pouch at his waist and turned it over for Atretes to see. "Neocoros," he said, thumbing the writing on it. "Our city is thus exalted."

Conviction: "A term of humility that has become a title of honor." I know that "he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor" (Proverbs 29:23) But forgive me, Lord, for starting out seeking to humbly serve you, then priding myself, giving myself honor or a good 'ole pat on the back for my own humility. Humble my heart, Lord, truly. Open my eyes to my pride and false humility. I know it is everywhere.

"Yes," Julia agreed. "I've changed. I've grown up and developed a mind of my ow. My eyes are open, Marcus, wide open. Isn't that how you always encouraged me to be? Wasn't it you who introduced me to all the finer things the world has to offer? Wasn't it you who told me to watch out for people who would betray me? Well, dear brother, I've learned my lessons well." (p. 439)

Reaction: Genesis 3. And, Proverbs 3:5. Lord, help me to "be wise about what is good and innocent about what is evil." (Romans 16:19).

"Unless we have something worth dying for, Atretes, we've nothing worth living for." (p. 485)

Reaction: Amen. (Matthew 16:246).

I won't lie, I also thought about all the things I daily kill myself to attain or to hold onto... I have a lot of idols in my life that continually "steal, kill, and destroy." I forget (continually) that Jesus has "come so that we might have, life and have it to the full" (John 10:10). I don't know why I so easily forget that and pursue so many things which feed into my idol of security and my idol of importance and my idol of my image. I pray that God would continue to be working these things out. Lord, how much differently I would live life if I truly found my identity in You! Help me, Father, resist finding my worth or identity in anything I do or any way I define myself. But to ultimately find rest and peace in You. May I be secure in who I am in You.

I love how a simple sentence or phrase can convict me and point me back to Christ. These might not have done much for you, but I wanted to make sure I documented these thoughts/convictions so I didn't forget about them until the next time I went back to skim The Mark of the Lion series...

Does bad breath equal dirty teeth?

Caught your attention, huh?

Here is the situation: I am super tired and trying to get ready for bed quickly. I decide I'm too tired to floss (I usually am a big flosser...not tonight, getting to bed one minute faster seemed like the best choice.) so I settle for brushing my teeth. While I was anxious to get to bed, I did try to brush well, if not a little better than usual, to make up for the lack of flossing, of course. Anyway, I brushed my teeth and they felt clean, but I felt like my breath was not up to par (aka minty fresh).

{sorry if this is a lot of information about my personal hygiene, I promise I have a point}

So , I decide to multi-task... swish around some mouth wash while I wash my face. Then, I think about it more... "does bad breath really equal dirty teeth? Or can your teeth be clean even if you can't taste the minty-freshness? Further, what is really my goal here? To prevent cavities or to have good breath?"

Now, I understand this sounds very odd and not something you share with others but...

Don't we do this with a lot of things???

I do.

I focus on the outside, on the external, on the surface, on what people see ("do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit..." Phil 2:3)... and NOT what God commands me and the apostles urge and plead us to focus on the internal, the heart. ("...he LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7b)

I drink coffee a lot. I try to have gum on me always so I can combat the coffee breath once my tumbler runs dry.

My breath may be polar-ice-fresh, but that does NOT mean my teeth are clean.

{disclaimer: this may not be the most ideal example..i am not advocating for the preservation or perpetuation of bad breath..just take this illustration loosely. it is merely the situation that sparked these thoughts conviction.}

All that to say, that I focus too much on how things appear to others, how they make me look, what others think of me. It doesn't matter if my breath is minty fresh---my teeth are still dirty.

I know it.

The Lord knows it.

And trying to cover it is pride.

Lord, please, ²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24)

Ballin' in Haiti

this is my friend, Melinda. (or MemGym87 if you went to high school with us)

Melinda is this:

there are lots of reasons why Melinda is a baller, shot caller-- but the one i'm talking about here is the fact that she is spending her summer in Haiti serving the people there. i am so excited to hear all of the stories and ways that God has used her to impact the people of Haiti. further, i am excited to hear all the ways God has used the people of Haiti to stretch and grow her. (i love how that works. we grow and learn the most from the people and ways that we are intentionally serving. )

she has such a huge heart and is so full of joy that you can read it in her emails.

what is also amazing is the way that God is using her not only in Haiti, but right here in lexington, kentucky!

here is what i mean..(i did not ask if i could use this! but i don't think she will mind!)

"It has been so amazing to see the love of Jesus in Haiti. I have realized how much they fully rely on God, and daily. They don't have video games, tv, computers, etc to distract them from thinking about him. When they have a bad day they don't go to distract themself with a movie, they pray. They rely on him and him alone. It has opened my eyes to the useless things we do in America and the time wasted away from God. At church they all pray outloud, so imagine 800 voices praising and praying to the God of the Universe at once; it was powerful! Many get on their knees--old and young."

not only does this almost bring me to tears to imagine such a sight, it also totally calls me out (but in a good, good way). i feel like i can easily get distracted by dumb, unnecessary things. i focus on the fleeting instead of the everlasting constantly.

and it isn't always the same things that distract me. i am the only one left at the 312 this week and we no longer have internet or tv at our house. you think that i would have way less distractions and more intentional time. no, no, my friend. instead i have focused on getting things checked off my to do list, dreaming about my new room, and trying to get a jump on the moving out cleaning.

further, i came home and felt tense and exhausted--so what did i do? go to God for a little tlc? no. i went and cleaned out the laundry room after eating some ice cream.

can we say...

band aid???

"come to me, all who are weary and burdened and i will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28)

i know we probably all know this scripture by heart, but my actions do not reveal that this is capital "T" truth when i run to rocky road ice cream and trying to get more cleaning done, than resting in the Truth of Jesus's words.

man. i still have soo many thoughts and things i am thinking through...

if you, too, are feeling convicted and encouraged/maybe a little sucky..i highly encourage going here:

http://justinemcknight.blogspot.com/2010/05/day-144-want-confidence-click-here.html

for a little encouragement! this is more Truth i need to cling to today!

"that's why, when I heard of the solid trust you have in the Master Jesus and your outpouring of love to all the followers of Jesus, I couldn't stop thanking God for you—every time I prayed, I'd think of you and give thanks. But I do more than thank. I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do [aka not distracted!! -my own addition and emphasis], grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength!" --from Ephesians 1 (message version)

---we are reading through ephesians with the girls i meet with at tates creek--how appropriate the timing. i can't wait to share with them from melinda's email! pray we have some solid discussion!!