All Hallows Eve

I am so excited.

Tonight, I am going to our grad student Halloween party. Not only is this a fun excuse to hang out with my school friends, but the theme this year is phenomenal. We are having a "throw back to your childhood" party. Needless to say, I have been pumped for quite some time.

However, there is also a lot of pressure associated with any sort of costumed event. Maybe others don't feel that way, but I really like to take full advantage of these type of situations. If I could dress up everyday in costume for my life, I would enjoy that. However, my students already think I am over caffeinated and spastic. I am not sure we want to include a crazy wardrobe and props to that. Unless, of course, it is a fanny pack. But that is an other story, entirely.

It was a lot of fun remembering all those toys and television shows the defined much of my childhood. Are You Afraid of the Dark, Salute Your Shorts, Boy Meets World, Designing Women, The Golden Girls  (I hung out with my grandma a lot, okay?), ribbon dancers, skip-its, Power Rangers, Clarissa Explains it All, and the list goes on and on.

While it was quite enjoyable to ponder the joys of my youth, many of the ideas I came up with presented several problems. First, some of them only required some 90s clothes and a Canadian accent.

Unfortunately, I do not look enough like any of those characters for people to understand who I am without wearing a lame name tag.

The other problem is that some of my ideas required a little too much effort in the costume department....

Just when I had settled for dressing in some sort of ballet outfit and making my own ribbon dancer, it hit me. I knew exactly who I was going to be. Though this person was not my favorite of the group, she epitomized a long forgotten portion of my childhood years.

That's right. Kerri Strug. Only I will wear pants. If only Little Clinton were here to be my Bela Karolyi... 

My other thought was to find a Kippy Strug from the SNL skit...

Here is the link to refresh your memory... http://www.hulu.com/watch/ad/66968

Needless to say, I am very excited for tonight. I love reliving my childhood. I am going to be one of those creepy, stuck in the past moms, I know. I'm okay with it. 

( Clink on this if you are interested in what these retired olympic gymnasts are up these days... http://usagym.org/pages/features/110301_96team/ )

What costume would you sport if you were going to a throw back to your childhood party? 

The Horse and His Boy

"Shasta didn't!" snorted Bree. "At least he ran in the right direction: ran back. and that is what shames me most of all. I, who called myself a war horse and boasted of a hundred fights, to be beaten by a little human boy-a child, a mere foal, who had never held a sword nor had any good nurture or example in his life!"
"I know," said Arvais. "i felt just the same. Shasta was marvelous. I am just as bad as you, Bree. I've been snubbing him and looking down on him ever since you met us and now he turns out to be the best of us all. But I think it would be better to stay and say we're sorry than to go back to Calormen."
"It's all very well for you," said Bree. "you haven't disgraced yourself. But I've lost everything."
"My good horse," said the Hermit, who had approached them unnoticed because his bare feet made so little noise on the sweet, dewy grass. "My good horse, you've lost nothing but your self conceit. No, no, cousin. Don't put back your ears and shake your mane at me. If you are really so humbled as you sounded a minute ago, you must learn to listen to sense. You're not quite the great Horse you had come to think, from living among poor dumb horses. Of course you were braver and cleverer than them. You could hardly help that. It doesn't follow that you'll be anyone very special in Narnia. But as long as you know you're nobody very special, you'll be the a very decent sort of Horse, on the whole, and taking one thing with the other. And now, if you and my other four-footed cousin will come round to the kitchen door we'll see about the other half of that mash."

{from the end of chapter ten of "The Horse and His Boy" by C.S. Lewis}

I've been reading devouring The Chronicles of Narnia lately and, let me tell you, they are rocking my world. Not only are they wonderfully entertaining, but they call you out and inspire you as you read. I'll admit I sometimes get too into the plot to really reflect on the Truth that is hinted at in these tales.

However, this passage {above} stopped me in my tracks. It was like Clive Staples the Lord had been reading my diary (or He just knows my heart) and knew it was time to gently, but firmly call me out.

I'm like Bree the horse. Even though it was apparent to everyone that Bree was a Narnian horse (the talking is a dead give-away), he was still caught up in being one of the best Narnian horses. He was self-conscious about it, obsessed with making sure no one mistook his identity. Even though his identity was already set. He thought that something small would discredit him or steal his Naranian status from him. Therefore, he was always self-conscious, overly aware of others opinions, and continually striving.

Like I said, I am Bree.

I am realizing more and more how much I seek my own glory and not seeking to glorify the Lord. In every area of my life God is revealing this to me. Some areas are more apparent, like appearances ("i want people to think i'm cute") and school (i want people to think i'm smart"). But, man, some areas are harder to identify (and harder to admit)...

"I want to be an awesome Christian so people think I am awesome."

Wow.

I didn't even know that was in there. But I think God has been working to gently, but firmly inform me of my mixed motives. I say "mixed" because I don't think my self-glorifying mentality is always in control or my basis for doing everything, but I know it is in there. I do desire the Lord. I do want to know Him richly, deeply, intimately. But, sometimes, this ugly monster motive tangles himself in my heart and thoughts and before I know it I am focused on glorifying me again...

"It doesn't follow that you'll be anyone very special in Narnia. But as long as you know you're nobody very special, you'll be the a very decent sort of Horse, on the whole, and taking on thing with the other."

I don't want to strive to be the best, to stand out, to be praised. I don't want to want it.

I don't want people to look at me and see a "good Christian."

I want people to look at me and not even see me, but to see Christ.

I know, I have a long way to go.

"He must become greater; I must become less." (John 3:30)

Book Challenge: The Rules and Week 1

Hello Sweet Friends, 

I have stolen a challenge that was posed to my sweet friend and roommate, Holly. Not only have I stolen it, I have revised it to my own liking. 

What is this "book challenge," you ask? 

Well, the challenge is to read a book a week. To read it to get it read and to try your hardest to abstain from underlining, highlighting, commenting, etc. (This last part is actually really hard for me. I have already failed..) 

The point is that instead of trying to squeeze every ounce of awesome from a book (in a way that usually leaves me exhausted or so intimidated that I never even finish the book...), you read it and at the end you think back on what has stood out to you the most. 

Now, I don't think that books should always be read this way, but I think there are some great reasons to do this every now and then. 

(Especiallywhenyoumakealistofsummerbookstoreadbutyouaretoolazyortoointimidatedtostartreadingthem

andthesumerisalmostover.)

Now, without further ado, let me introduce you to Book #1. 

The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis.

I am pretty sure I have started and failed to finish this book at least 10 times. It is crazy because I really enjoy the concept of the book (A high positioned demon, Screwtape, writing to his lowly demon nephew, Wormwood, on how to properly win a soul for Hell.) But, for some reason had never finished it. Until last weekend, my friends.

Main take away/thought provoking/convicting point: Humility. Perhaps, this topic stuck out to me so much because I have been praying for humility for months and months. (For those of you who know me outside the blog world, this probably comes as no shock as a big struggle of mine.) 

I think maybe why this concept has been so hard for me to wrap my head around is because from a young age I pursued inverse or false humility as genuine humility. For example, being scared about being prideful about things, I went the other extreme and tore myself down "to keep myself in check." This only led to me being really self-conscious or overly aware of myself and how others perceived me. It is still pride, just wearing wearing a hat or a fake mustache. 

I still find myself thinking over many of the things said about humility in Screwtape's letter....

 

1. He encourages Wormwood to help the "patient" (aka believer or soul they are attempting to capture) be aware of his humility, so that he can, in turn, congratulate himself on his ability to be humble (aka turn him back to pride). 

2. "You must therefore conceal from the patient the true end of Humility. Let him think of it not as a self-forgetfulness but as a certain kind of opinion (namely, a low opinion) of his own talents and character."

3. "To anticipate the Enemy's strategy (God's), we must consider his aims. The Enemy wants to bring the man to a state of mind in which he could design the best cathedral in the world, and know it to be the best, and rejoice in the fact, without being any more (or less) or otherwise glad at having done it than he would be if it had been done by another. The Enemy wants him, in the end, to be so free from any bias in his own favour that he can rejoice in his own talents a frankly and gratefully as in his neighbor's talents- or in a sunrise, an elephant, or a waterfall."

4. "Even his own sins the Enemy does not want him to think of too much: once they are repented, the sooner the man turns his attention outward, the better the Enemy is pleased." 

I tried to practice some restraint and not type up the whole letter to you. If this piques your interest, I highly recommend going back and reading it. 

And, just to further persuade you...

"He does not want men to give the Future their hearts, to place their treasure in it."

"The Enemy described a married couple as "one flesh." He did not say a 'happily married couple' or 'a couple who married because they were in love,' but you can make humans ignore that." 

"The sense of ownership in general is always to be encouraged. The humans are always putting up claims to ownership which sound equally funny in Heaven and in Hell and we must keep them doing so...And all the time the joke is that the word 'Mine' in its fully possessive sense cannot be uttered by a human being about anything."

"For a long tie it will be quite impossible to remove spirituality from his life. Very well then; we must corrupt it." 

"It is funny how mortals always picture us putting things in their minds: in reality our best work is done by keeping things out."

"He wants men to be concerned with what they do; our business is to keep them thinking about what will happen to them."

Father, I pray for a "self-forgetfulness." Help me to understand and cultivate a truly humble heart. I pray that I would be humble hearted because I understand deeper where I stand in relationship with you. I pray that this would translate into the way I interact with others here on Earth. Teach me this deeper, so that it changes the way I live my life. Amen. 

If my life was a song, it would be...

Gangster's Paradise

Rapped by...

This lyrical genius rapper.

From a young age, I have always felt a strong connection, like Coolio knew me and he was telling my story.

"Cuz I been blastin and laughin so long that, even my mama think that my mind is gone..."

I got jokes. Check.

"I'm the kinda G the little homies wanna be like, on my knees in the night, saying prayers in the street light..."

Prayer. Check.

"I'm an educated fool with money on my mind, I got a ten in my hand and a gleam in my eye..."

Still in school. Check.

"I'm twenty three now, but will I ever see twenty four the way things are goin, I don't know..."

I am trying to be "Rapture Ready." Check.

It's like Coolio and I are the same person.

_______________________________________________

I also feel a kinship with....

Reba.

But that is for another time...

Is there a song that you also feel is your life story? Do share! You could even make a case on your blog as to why that song is your life story. I can't wait to hear about your life through song!

Just keep swimming...

this semester has been rough.

i am getting completely dominated.

i have felt like i have been treading water for a long time.

i had a full on break down yesterday.

but... the awesome thing is that in the midst of my meltdown, God had brought to mind so many of the things that i have been learning over the past few weeks.

the high school girls and i have been going through a bible study on the book of Ruth. i am so inspired by Ruth and of course loved doing an in depth study on her story. here is my favorite take away from her story:

i am so encouraged by the fact that the whole time Ruth was married to Mahlon, for about ten years (1:4), they never had a child. ten years and they never had a child! (now, i am assuming that they were not waiting to have kids because i am fairly confident that during that time it was very important to reproduce. it kept the man's family name going and it served as a source of glory and protection for women to have children.) if they would have had a child, there would be no point for Ruth's story to go on. she would not have left with Naomi and declared that Naomi's "God would be her God" (2:16), she would have never have met the bomb.com man of God, Boaz, and she never would have found her name listed in the genealogy of Christ (Matthew 1:5)!

kelly (the lady who wrote the study) did a great job of bringing that to our attention. however, the thing that i can't stop thinking about were the ten years ruth experienced married but childless. (disclaimer: the book of ruth does not really discuss this aspect, nor does kelly so i am assuming a lot here when i try to put myself in her shoes.) i am assuming that it was not for lack of trying that they did not have children. i am assuming it was very important for them to have children. i am assuming there might have been a lot of hurt, confusion, embarrassment because so much rested on the ability to have children (see Hannah or Leah & Rachel's stories) and frustration at not having children. ten years.

despite it all, Ruth was steady. she remained faithful, not bitter.

i find further encouragement in the later part of Ruth. Ruth lays it all out on the line and basically proposes to Boaz.

(if you think that makes Boaz passive, remember his response to her 3:10. He loved God's word so much that it is possible he never made a move because he knew there was a man who was of closer kin than him. Thus, one might assume it was not for lack of thought or desire that he never approached Ruth, but more to remain faithful to the Lord's commands. also, technically the law said he only had to sleep with Ruth to give her a child. the law doesn't say they have be married, Boaz took that liberty on his own. is Boaz too crazy of a name for my potential future children??)

Boaz tells her to wait till morning and then go back to Naomi. Naomi tells Ruth "wait, my daughter, until you find out what happens. for the man will not rest until the matter is settled today. Meanwhile, Boaz went..." (3:18-4:1). While Ruth had to wait, Boaz went to town and worked on her behalf.

i love that. even though there was nothing more for Ruth to do but wait, Boaz was out, working on her behalf.

in the midst of my treading water, i take comfort in knowing that though i can't see God working, i know he is working on my behalf. even though this season of life seems long and hard, i know He is moving on my behalf. i need only to remain faithful to Him and wait, knowing that He is good and His heart is for me.

(another awesome tidbit about Ruth...Kelly mentioned that in the Hebrew Bible, Ruth came right after Proverbs. because of the content of the last chapter of proverbs (31- the wife of noble character), one could infer that Ruth's story is a living example of the proverbs 31 woman. seriously, read them back to back. you will find a lot of the proverbs 31 traits in Ruth's life and character.)

for those of you who feel like you are treading water, take heart. just keep swimming. God is moving on your behalf, even if you can't see it right now.

God is God

As I was walking from my car to campus, my mind kept turning back to all of the awesome conversations that took place last night. I think Thursdays will definitely end up being my favorite day of the week because of my connect group and Bible study.

At church we are going through Job and discussing crisis, so our connect group discussions stem from what Tim preaches on Sunday. And, in Bible study we are going through the book of Isaiah. I feel like God is already showing me connections between these two groups, regardless of the content that is specifically being studied.

Last night, at connect group, Seth made the comment that it is interesting that the thesis, or main idea, of Job is so counter to what much of the wisdom scripture is like. (Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that they are contradictory or that one invalidates the other.) Psalms and Proverbs are very pragmatic and highlight almost a cause and effect relationship.

For example, the very first verse of Psalms "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked..." (ESV). Aka, if you do not walk in the counsel of the wicked, you will be blessed man. Or in Proverbs 1:7 "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge..." So, if you fear the Lord, then you will start to understand/attain true knowledge.

However, Job is a little different. And, honestly, the more I think about it, I think God does it so we do not get too set in the cause and effect type of relationship with Him. For me, I feel like I can see God using Job to remind me that it it is not about what we do, but where are hearts are at. "The Lord says: 'These people come near me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men'" (Isaiah 29:13). Also, I think this cause and effect mindset leaves us thinking we are entitled to certain outcomes based on us, our behavior. It is as if we think we have more control than we really do.

"Praise God that he did not make the illogical more prevalent or us humans would be in a constant state of fear and defeat, never knowing what one action might bring. However, logic can be deceptive as we can sometimes come to believe that God is also under the control of cause and effect. We must remember that it was God, himself, who created logic. Therefore, we must never forget that, ultimately, logic bows down to God. We engage in mindless behavior not so that we might know Him better, but so we can secure for ourselves comfort and blessing. And, thus, we have missed the point. I cannot believe that God ever wanted less than our whole hearts. "

Last night, in connect group, we discussed how one thesis statement of Job might be "God is God and Job is not." It is the story of Job that keeps us on our toes, and reminds us that He is sovereign despite outward appearances or our ability to determine why certain events unfold the way they do. Despite our attempts to control things on earth, it is God who is ultimately in control. And, since His heart is good, what is there to fear?

This made me think of in Bible study we discussed what being steadfast was and what it looked like. I think we all feel like we have a lot of work to do in this area, but I am convinced that all the trials we go through is God's way of presenting opportunities for us to learn (and re-learn) what it looks like to be steadfast in Him. No matter what, though, I think the thing I was most encouraged by was that regardless of our steadfastness, God's steadfastness is not dependent on our steadfastness. (I think Holly said this best last night.) He is always steadfast; He knows not how to waver. Often I think in terms of God reacting to me (my thoughts, behavior etc), but really God is consistently constant. (nice, right?)

I am still working through and piecing all of these thought strands together, but I just needed to get some down before I forgot to remember them. In no way have I figured this out or feel like these thoughts are final. Additionally, it probably just makes sense to me. I have a hard time articulating exactly what I am trying to say and how I got there. It is just where I am right now in terms of processing, and I know God has more to show me in this area.

Jealousy and her good-for-nothing-friends

Pull up your boot straps, ladies. It's time for me to share a little bit about what God is doing in my life, but in order to do that I have to take you through some of the mud I've been tracking all over the place.

I have had a serious struggle with Jealousy. Honestly, this isn't a new struggle for me. It has been something I've struggled with ever since I can remember. It is an ugly burden that I try to beat down and keep it quiet. However, the trouble with Jealousy is that even though I think she is under control, she can easily (and unexpectedly) pop sher ugly head up and pull me into the mud again.

It is ugly because it can steal my joy, make me question my Maker's heart for me, and, often, makes the people I love most enemies in my mind. I hate typing that. I recognize it is ugly. I hate that my heart feels that way sometimes. Enemies sounds strong, but maybe this will help clarify my irrational thought process:

God does something bomb.com in person A's life. Person A tells me, I creep on Person A on facebook, I see Person A on tv, in a magazine etc. I am pumped for person A or recognize what is going on is Person A's life is awesome, but, then, being selfish and egocentric, I think "Huh, God hasn't done anything like that for me." And my heart says very quietly (because it knows it is a crazy thought, but it feels it anyway... I wonder what I am doing wrong? God must be holding out on me." This heart whisper leads to one of two thoughts "I must do better" or "It is no use."

These twisted, unchecked thoughts and dark heart whispers are basically facebook invites for Jealousy's bff's to come play. So then, before I realize it Bitterness, Territorialness, Threatened Identity, Victim and her cousin, Pity Party, as well as, Critical Heart come and track mud all over the place!

Sometimes Jealousy and her friends have sleep overs without asking. I think she sneaks them in through the basement. Either way, I think I am alone, and all of a sudden I hear them or see them as something ugly comes out of my mouth. "What a tick, I didn't know you were still here! Does your mother know where you are? I certainly don't want you at my house, anymore. I think you should go home."

Recently (as in for months and months) God has been really helping me to get a better security system against Jealousy and her hooligan friends. When I first decided to really try to fight this (because sometimes it is easier to not really fight, but to just pray and hope it goes away. ignoring it or denying it can also go in this passive category), God began by showing me not only the depth of the problem, but also the breadth. It seemed Jealousy had made herself quite at home. (That's how I knew it was a girl, she likes to nest.)

It was so humbling to see the extent of my sin and the way that it had infiltrated so many areas of my heart and my life. It was often discouraging to see how ugly my heart was, especially because I didn't want to have thoughts thoughts or heart whispers. It was frustrating.

BUT, God is awesome. And, has been helping me fight this battle. He really is the best coach. He is constantly showing me areas that feed Jealousy (she is like a stray cat). He also has helped me recognize when she is on my lawn and ways to fight so she doesn't come in (invited or not).

While, I don't feel like Jealousy will ever really go away (it's the cat in her), I do feel like God has been helping me with my thoughts and heart whispers. Recently, a very bright bulb went off and, for me, it has been like a grenade launcher when it comes to battling Jealousy.

Here's the defense plan:

-Something happens that appeals to Jealousy and she remembers the good ole days of us hanging out. (at least one of us enjoyed our time together)

-Alarm sounds as there has been a security breach. Jealousy is texting her friends and they are planning on coming over to my house to hang out and track mud all over

- I remember and recite to myself:

"For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil at work in the heavenly realms" (Ephesians 6:12).

-Then, I tell myself: God has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans that give me a hope and a future (Jer. 29:11). What God does in someone else's life does not threaten what He is doing and planning in mine. My God is good and His heart for me is good. I trust Him. This is not a competition. My worth and identity is not threatened or jeopardized by circumstances, people, or failure because it is hidden in Christ.

Jealousy, go home. I would much rather hang out with Peace, Joy and Truth than you any day.